The Sick Are Amongst Us

As of last night we have a sick-ish child in our house. I say ish because I am under the completely rational idea that if I refuse to acknowledge that my child,is sick than she won't get any sicker. Now I am cognicent of the fact that if she does get more sick I must act. Until that point I make her drink a lot of vitamin c and just ignore the possibility she gets more sick.

So that being said I am tired and I do not have the freedom to get sick because if I get sick if just going to be sick doing the same stuff I normally do and that's not fun. So see you all tomorrow and feel free to email any comments you ever have on the blog to me.

Have a great day and smile, it could always get worse,
AJ

I Like Treats Better

As I'm sure you know it's Halloween tomorrow, it is also my anniversary of seven years with Holly, oft referred to as the lady in my posts. She is a wonderful person and she is literally half responsible for that beautiful little girl I am responsible for every day. She has also given me something far beyond responsibility and that is her trust and love.

It is not easy, I imagine, to leave every morning knowing that I'm here watching the kid, if not purely for the fact she would rather be. That however is not the case, and at no point has she ever been an anything but supportive and she for some reason is convinced I'm good at this whole thing.

I have a lot of things to keep me feeling like I am contributing, more than watching the kid, one of which is this blog. I have her to thank for all of this. I cannot in any realistic way say how truly blessed and thankful I am for my family and this woman. This is the best I can do to, right now, to thank her for everything she does for me on a daily basis.  I hope that this is some simple way illustrates just how wonderful a person I have in my corner everyday and hopefully the kid continues to grow, gets even smarter, even stronger,  and a becomes good and conscientious person. Then hopefully that will be the best testament to what a wonderful and giving person her mother is, and how much I love her.

That's all for my soap box today, but I'd be hard pressed to find a better use of it.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

Isn't It Hibernation Season?

I have been attempting to regain my physical condition and appearance of days gone by.  In this journey I have joined a gym (with daycare), obtained the assistance of a pocket sized sister from another mister/personal trainer for a workout regiment, and been regularly wishing that I had instead decided knit in lieu of getting in shape. The kid loves the gym, or yimmy as she refers to it, and the lady keeps telling me how annoyed she is, I would say she is three quarters kidding.

This physical activity is fairly strenuous and it does make me feel fairly old but it also leaves me quite, well, sweaty. Imagine if you will, taking a hose slowly running and attaching it to the top of your head for the better part of an hour. The word damp does not begin to sum up my state after the first part of my work out.

During my daily sweat-scapades I have very little to do other than look around the yimmy (got to give to the kid, she has a way with words). The other day while I was surveying the other poor souls working out I saw a women wandering from machine to machine, only vaguely like an automaton. This woman was on the heavier side, remember judgement free zone, she was wearing a very unusual shirt however. The shirt read "sweating for the wedding"I found this humorous and more than a little ridiculous.

When I saw the lady that night I relayed this story, it was hilarious I really made it come alive. I further stated that I thought the shirt would be perfect for me since we have a wedding coming up, with tongue planted firmly in cheek. In the days to follow I told the story a few more times as I found the male to female role reversal both subversive and witty. Little did I know what was ahead of me.

The lady and I have our anniversary on Halloween and I asked if we were exchanging gifts. The following answer rendered me senseless and writhing on the floor in hysteria. The lady told me that in a fit of genius she had purchased me one of the aforementioned t-shirts. Oh nuts, well she took the joke to a whole new level.

 This time I guess the joke is on me, touché and another job well done lady.

Have a great day and smile, you could always be sweaty,
AJ

Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh

I have a splitting headache, which is in no way connected to the intervals of random screaming and joy that have been launched like stinger missiles from my child today.

Why are we moody? What is so complicated with just picking a n emotion and sticking with it? I have always liked those old hard scrabbled detective movies where the main character is just angry, the entire time it doesn't matter what he's doing. That's awesome to me I think people should pick one emotion and own it. We all know the happy people and the annoying people but I want real dedication. 

Say you choose to be mad. Then you are mad when you use the bathroom, eat, shop, smile, laugh, and even sleep. I think because of the overuse of emotion being put forward by the kid and for that matter most likely all children, we need to take on the mantle of choosing one emotion a day and just riding that out. This idea of changing your emotions depending on what you feel is poppycock. It's time to bring balance back to the world! 

Today I'm choosing to be over-reactive to everything for example. This is not truly an emotion but it's still early in the journey.

Have a great day and smile, why aren't you smiling yet! The world could end smile already!

AJ

The Man, The Myth, The Legendad

I don't really know what makes someone good at something or why certain people do what they do. I don't even know why I do what I do?

Necessity seems the most obvious answer, when life gives you lemons I guess. Then again maybe there is a greater purpose, the idea of "fate" does make a sort of sense even though it's kind of depressing if you think about it. For that reason alone I'm not going to go that route, I'm thinking that it's maybe more in the middle.

I always dreamt of a straight forward life made from a very detailed plan in my head. This plan seemingly, as often as possible, has been rewritten. You can make a laundry list of events that would make my previous plan null and give me an opportunity to create new ones. As time has progressed I have realized my long term planning skills are well, quite poor. I have often wondered why the unforseeable seems to be common place in my life and I think I have an answer. Why not?

Now that is kind of a copout but really, maybe things happen in our lives because they can. Our job is to somehow string them together and make a somewhat coherent picture out of all of this. This is where my point comes together, our lives are our lives because of the things that happen to us. If you substitute something in your life for something you may prefer everything that follows will be different. You make the space in between the craziness, that space makes up your life as you know it.

Tha uncontrollable things are the easiest to focus on and when you ignore that period in between you start to loose the little bit if control you have. This is important for me because I have realized that I have taken to this parenting thing because it seems easy to me to take care of someone else. The taking care of myself is more of a challenge.

The point of all of this is when you get lemons you should take a second and ask yourself if you know any recipes that require lemons or maybe you would like a lemon tree. The easy answer is to just keep pushing through but after all of that pushing you start to develop skills you don't realize. For me I have found out that I'm really good at planning and adjusting on the fly, the only catch is I'm only good at it for other people. Take what you learn and apply it to the craziness, maybe things become easier maybe they become more complicated but they will become something.

Enjoy your life because there are way to many miserable people, maybe they should just read this, I think I'm pretty convincing.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse
AJ

Oh Strawberries!

I am a fan of language and the way it can be used, good or bad. Language is the most common way us humans communicate and even when we choose to communicate through art or or other mediums language will always be used to describe whatever feelings or thoughts are being displayed. Part of language and general communication for that matter, like it or not, is vulgarity. The most common usage of vulgarities are of course swear words or often times misappropriated usage of common place words to illustrate someone's actions or the realities of a situation, for example calling someone a piece of poop or saying a something sucks. All of these things are important when it comes to demonstrating your feelings at any given time and are part of how we function. This does not apply with children however.

When the kid was born the lady and I knew that we would need to monitor the filth that often spilled from our lips much like hot lava from a newly erupted volcano claiming all of the villagers in its path. We took precautions such as saying strawberries very LOUD whenever we began to swear in an attempt to have cover our tracks. This was not our idea, we totally stole it, but much like the tune of "God Save The Queen" being stolen by "My Country Tis Of The", seriously that's a real fact check it out if you don't believe me, once we had it we made it ours. Some people such as MY BEST FRIEND, struggle with this strategy and ultimately swear more. For an example he will say " so the f$&8ing oh sh&$7 I mean strawberries f@&k I screwed that up!" This is not the desired affect, again it is a replacement not just an addition. I have had a relatively easy time with this in front of the kid because, we'll I spend the majority of my time with her so I have a lot of practice. The lady however has more difficulty.

Working in an office environment, especially a small one with no highfalutin human resources department, lends itself to the usage of many a oft avoided vulgarity. I cannot stress the imagination and range of the words used, it's actually quite impressive. This does lead to complications upon arriving back in kiddy land because there is quite a bit of editing that must occur in the retelling of the days events and basic speech patterns used in the home. I give her credit though because despite this blatant disadvantage she, all things being equal, very rarely messes up. The surprise issue in this entire situation however are not the obvious vulgarities but more correctly the use of acceptable words in unacceptable ways, oh poopy!

We have obviously had some experience with this, my famous and now titular usage of the phrase "Oh Nuts" for example, refer to the title of this website for clarification, have become acceptable. That being said last night while pouring water on the kid in the bath a new word was used. Butthole is  a rather obvious term and quite descriptive if you really think about it. The problem is however when this word is in the hands, or more correctly lips, of a small child the results may be disastrous. Thus far the repetition of this word has been relegated to just a one time repeat after mom said it To say I'm nervous that this word may again rear it's, well rear again however is an understatement.

Swearing is fun and sometimes exceedingly necessary but remember a mini-dictator may be listening and more than willing to make you pay.

Have a great strawberrying day and remember to smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

Manners

The next obstacle in the advancement of the kid as a functioning member of society. The first part of this is a general understanding of basic functionality which is to say eating, sleeping, etc. From that lead to the bathroom experience which is a work in progress but one that is improving. Now we reach the crux of the current challenge, manners.

To be fair to the kid, she says please and thank you, with thank you  she is much better than please. My frustration is mainly connected to the fact that she understands please and how to use it, and she does, however the key is only when prompted. The lady and I have been hammering home the need of saying please for the majority of her speaking life, this has had a relatively minor affect her actions. Whenever a "need" is established in that two year old brain of hers she goes from zero to sixty in no time flat. I wonder if I have ever needed anything with the fervor she presents her most basic of needs. In a way I am impressed with the strength of conviction she shows for things such as raisins, milk, dolls, remotes, phones, and basically anything any adult in eye view is currently utilizing.

EUREKA I know understand her strength on conviction! It doesn't matter if she has any actual needs but more importantly it is connected to making sure whatever you are doing becomes what she is doing. So the reason for the lack of please comes back to what real already knew, the pocket dictator rules with an iron fist and as such can show no weakness.

Well that is WAY to much for this stay at home dad to handle. I think I'm just going to keep reminding her that please is a requirement and hopefully she doesn't stick me in some sort of gulag.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

Bo Bo.... The Journey Continues

The life and times of Bo Bo the pumpkin only get more interesting. The wildest pumpkin life this side of crazy town has only wackier. Since my previous documentation of Bo Bo's seemingly short life as our house pumpkin he (I feel calling a girl pumpkin Bo Bo is unreasonably harsh) has received a pumpkin sibling. This slightly smaller pumpkin was acquired in Vermont and has provided a fello participant to the daily journeys of Bo Bo.

You may be wonder what the kid has chosen for a name of this new pumpkin? The answer is, well, Bo Bo, a novel choice if you ask me. This addition has lead to some issues in the dueling Bo Bo's lives. Since there are to pumpkins to carry inside and entertain from time to time, which is to say every time, one of the Bo Bos will inevitably fall from the kid's clutches to a short but still sudden impact on the floor. These are the reprecussions of being loved to much, or of just being pumpkin friends to a clumsy over eager two year old.

In an attempt to end on a positive not I feel the need to detail the pumpkins most recent adventure. After retrieving, dropping, picking up, dropping, and finally handing new Bo Bo to me the pumpkins had moved inside. The kid shared her choccy milk, as she refers to it, with both pumpkins she then asked how they were doing. I was at this time quite glad they were incapable of replying as I doubt their conditions would have been positive. The kid then proceeded to watch her favorite television show with the pumpkin twins and promptly moved on. Such are the lives of live in pumpkins, and of the people with them.

Have a great weekend and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

How To Ask For Directions

Growing up in Vermont there used to be an old joke that you should never ask real Vermonter for directions. This was the gist, a flat lander (an out of stater) drives up to a man working on his house in rural Vermont. The out of Townes asks for directions to the local ski mountain. The Vermonter responds by saying " well ya go up the road til' ya get to the fork, ya  go right til ya get to Jonesy's house and ya go left. After that go for a bit til' ya see where the old town hall was turn right, drive for a while then yull see old lady Winslows cow pasture turn left and yull be there in no time."

This comes to mid because everybody knows what to do when they've already done it but the first time is a bit of a challenge. I think the best way is, if you feel the need to ask, know what you're asking for instead of saying how do I get somewhere try instead ask how they got there the first time. The beauty of learning something is learning how somebody else did it first. That doesn't mean you need to follow them exactly it just means you now know how it can be done, that is the goal getting one step closer to an answer.

The point of all of this is that I've found myself realizing that when you have a job like mine you ask for a lot of help. I have never been one who asks for help easily so being in the position where asking for it is imperative is a bit challenging. My hope is that when I have need of assistance I always reach out in a way that is specific to me trying to get exactly what I need. Remember life is a lot easier when people want to help you, so always ask nicely.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

I Have No Idea What That Means!

From time to time the the communication I strive to foster breaks down.

I am currently trying to she'd some of my accrued girth. This task led me to a local gym with daycare while you work out, seemingly perfect for my needs, the only problem is that the kid does not agree. In the past year without daycare apparently the kid has become attached to only spending time with people she knows. This problem has escalated to not even allowing us to leave to go to the gym. This plan has fallen apart before it even began.

I have attempted to use our budding communication skills to resolve this problem, that being said I might as well be speaking Ancient Greek. Sometimes when things are going well and everything seems to working like a fine tuned machine all of a sudden she takes that monkey wrench and starts smashing gears like Gallagher with watermelons. After the absolute annihilation of our previous understanding the show really begins. Right now the back seat of my car is covered in chololate milk and raisin bran muffins, the consequences of potential bribes for good behavior gone horribly wrong.

I couldn't tell you if I can convince her that the gym is a viable option today but what I do know, is that I kind of love the fact she's getting attached to me. No matter how incredibly frusterating she is today it's because she wants to hang with me, that's pretty cool, infuriating but in a way, a very small way, adorable.

What I have realized is the take away from all of this is that I am just to wonderful to leave and she doesn't care if I'm fat. Unconditional and confused love what else could you ask for.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

Overstimulation

There is no doubt that sometimes in life the excitement around you is palpable. This is a great thing, you should be excited, life is generally not what I call exciting and that's ok also. The natural ebb and flow of excitement makes life the way we know it.

That being said, when the kid goes to any new place, whether a grand parents house or basically anywhere her parents are not the only source of entertainment, she is EXCITED. This past weekend we saddled up to Vermont to visit my parents, great visit blah blah blah, not my point. For some reason the nature of the visit for the kid was just unbridled joy. This joy was wonderful it was so lovely to see this pocket person bubbling over with glee. However (remember this is a blog so sentence structure is generally vague), this excitement has a dark side.

Overstimulation often occurs when you are just psyched about life and for some reason life is psyched about you being psyched about it, and all of a sudden everyone is jazzed and it can't stop and then BOOM! The roof falls in on the whole operation and happiness turns to sadness and screaming. I don't really have any answers here but come Sunday night after numerous adventures and more attention than even this primadonna can handle, the wheels fell of.

Take all of the joy from earlier and replace it with *warning fake word alert* crummudgenatude, and you have Sunday evening. No matter what you did she wasn't happy it was for lack of a better expression, a bad scene. What do you do when the mini-dictator decides to put a fatwa on you? Well per usual you hold on for dear life with white knuckles and take this crazy train until it goes back to the station.

Fast forward to Monday and things were back to "normal" we made it home and gathered some more stimulation but managed to keep it under control. Ride the wave as long as you can because that riptide we pull you out into insanity real quick.

Have a great day and smile , it could always be worse,
AJ

Pumpkin Chronicles

Two weekends ago the lady and the kid went to a yard sale for a coworker. This lead to arrival of a small pumpkin at our house. Now a pumpkins life must be fairly mundane in my estimation, it gets placed wherever the owner desires and then rots. The highlight of a pumpkins life may be, if lucky, getting carved. Watch out pumpkins because our pumpkin, Bo Bo as the kid calls it, has quite the life.

Over the past two weeks Bo Bo has experienced many things a normal pumpkin may never see,  he has been inside, outside, in the shoe organizer, in a carriage, even the refrigerator. The kid has taken it upon herself to make this pumpkin part of her daily life. A few days back she had the pumpkin on a chair in the kitchen feeding him yogurt. Another day she made him into a table and then a chair. This pumpkin is well rounded, hahaha, do you get it because he's actually round?!

What does this pumpkin think of this, in theory of course, but really most inanimate objects lead a very generic existence but not Bo Bo, for him as is true for me, everyday is an adventure. Here's to living a life of adventure, an adventure life, even for pumpkins.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

What's Up Doc?

Not many people enjoy going to the doctors office, personally I've been to so many I have very little problem with it but the kid is a different story.

When you are small the doctor's office is quite common and fairly traumatic. First it's shots and blood work then little kids are always sick. I have discussed the pitfalls of daycare and the health of everyone associated. This leads to a lot of time spent in a doctors waiting room. Following the waiting you have poking, prodding, coughing, listening, shots, and a lot of crying. I have to admit you don't enjoy whatching your child loose their mind like Bill O'Reilly on a production intern but it is a part of life.

Sometimes I wonder how much a 2 year old remembers, a lot is the only way I can put it. For her two year check up we hoofed it over to the pediatrician and we talked about what was going to happen and the ensuing treat if all went well. This seemed to put her at peace, until we opened the front door. Her breaks went on like a Mack truck heading toward the edge of a bottomless pit. This was truly a sign of pure hate to follow. I can't believe that she remembered how much she hated the doctor that much. I obviously feel terrible that she was so scared  especially because I was facilitating the moment of fear. That being said I was really impressed with the memory on this little chica, what are you going to do it will change over time, but damn what a quick kid!

I don't really know if there is any under lying message here but what I do know is people are incredibly impressive.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

NOOoOoOoOo!

I missed this today, such is the life.
Love you all and mow the lawn like a boss, because I did.

Have a great day/ night and smile, it could still get worse,
AJ

Fizzle Wizzle

Sometimes things are really easy, you can cruise through life and everything is just happening for you. I imagine this is what it's like for beautiful people or Ryan Seacrest. This however was not this little three person family's fate yesterday.

Throughout our adventures things can occur where one of us doesn't want to cooperate. Sometimes I'm sure that the parents in this situation don't cooperate but since we are normally setting the plans it is less common than what happened yesterday.

Wen was the last time you spent six ours of your day having zero control over what was going on?all the while desperately trying to stop the situation from descending into utter uncontrollable chaos. Inevitably chaos does ensue and there you are, standing in the middle of a scream filled anger Twinkie just clawing at that hate fuelled spongy cake for a return to reality.

There however is a silver lining, I think, when I find it I'll let you know. These anger sessions were connected to sleeping and peeing, two activities I have talked about at length.  The bright side of this, not quite a silver lining, she finally did sleep and pee in the child urine receptacle or potty if you like to call it that. No matter the effort it takes to complete these we still completed them, thank goodness.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

The Daddy Workout

I understand that most people workout by going to a gym, or trainer, or pool, and or tread mill. I like to consider my day a workout. I have compiled this workout in an easy to follow list just in case anyone would like to try it out, results may vary.

• Wake up an hour to fifteen minutes earlier than you want. This is assisted by, in my case a small menace, however slapping ones face and groin with a spatula will simulate this action nicely.
• Proceed to the arms portion of your day, lifting a large cup of coffee from table to mouth as quickly as possible. Repeat every one to four hours.
• To complete the cardio part of your day and at the same time your leg excercises sit in every room you see then immediately run to the next. Do not linger in any room more than five minutes and do not sit for more than sixty seconds.
• For the final portion start at the lowest stairway in how residence run up that then proceed to run up all the stairs available to you. At the top of each stairway place a  large pile of debris, hurdle said objects pick them up and then throw them back into your way. Feel free to repeat as often as you wish.

Do enjoy, if you get injured blame the kid.

Have a great day and smile,

AJ

It's Potty Time!

Today will be part one of an ongoing conversation. First, potty training, everyone has ideas on how to get it to work but the truth is, nothing has stuck. My new plan, lets just see what happens.

So potty training is hard. She doesn't like the treat option, for example. This is how a normal interaction goes.

• She makes a face as if she just lifted a car.
• I ask "are you pooping?" 
• She grunts "yes."
• She begrudgingly moves to the child potty.
• I attempt to remove the diaper and the freak out commences.
• I am able to place her on the toilet with what I would call mild anger on her end.
• This is where it gets tricky, we sit sing and calm down for roughly thirty minutes of intermittent anger and joy.
• After asking if she has completed the task and informing her that a treat will be following completion if the doody, hahahaha get it duty sounds like doody!
• She stands the task has not been completed and we exit.
• She poops in her diaper fifteen minutes later and thus the tale ends.

This isn't a cry for help but more a retelling of our day to day. So next time you take care of business be glad somebody taught you.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,

AJ

That Seems Fairly Dangerous

Throughout my time in the best job for the worst pay, I have encountered many a quandary, today's case study is that of danger. What constitutes danger for a small child? The obvious classic dangers still hold serve, cars, ledges, animals, cleaning products, and electricity in general. These dangers tend to have built in controls, ways to protect yourself from them are part of their design. The next level of danger applies to someone, smaller, when a two foot tall person goes anywhere there are corners, stairs, chairs, and tables just to name a few. This makes for a rather dangerous daily life. Keep in mind this not war zone dangerous probably more Japanese game show dangerous but that is still far more than anyone would prefer.

When counteracting the daily dangers of  daily life one can often over do the protection of their child, say wearing a helmet all day. This is bad, yes very bad. People grow by screwing up, just remember your style of dress from the age of six to eighteen if you think you are perfect, this makes us the way we are. Self expression for some reason begins with the ability to injure ones self. Throughout my time making sure my child stays alive, I have developed a rule of thumb. This rule of thumb comes from another rule I created, when parallel parking always back in to the spot a little further than feels necessary before turning the wheel. This applies because when you feel uncomfortable, going with idea your instinct is to overreact, you should allow your child one more action because normally, after a couple failures, they get it right. Have faith, it's better than being worried all the time.

Have a great day and smile, it could always be worse,
AJ

Roller Coaster

People need to slow down. Why is everyone so quick to catch the late yellow light or cut in line. I was in line today and I allowed a woman who didn't have the correct paper work the first time she went through go ahead of me. This was not a great action, just being generally courteous, she was amazed by how nice I was. This has been a trying day but this family would just like to ask everyone nicely to, well, just be nice.

Have a great day and especially today smile, it could always be worse,
AJ